As we mentioned in our “Marriage Isn’t for You” blog, if we want to win in our relationships, then we must focus on what we are giving versus what we are getting. But just as important as having a heart to serve is speaking the right love language to that special person in your life.
For example, if someone in your life couldn’t afford to pay a utility bill, then you wouldn’t offer a compliment about their looks because it wouldn’t help them with what they most need. Or if a friend is going through a heartbreak, then you wouldn’t offer to give money; rather you would give them a hug. It’s the same when it comes to winning the heart of your person. We all listen for particular love languages that speak most to us. And we must know our person’s language so we can love and serve them in the way they most desire.
One of my friends once told me his goal was to earn a PhD in his wife. He wanted to study her. He wanted to know things like …
- How does she act when she is sad, and what does she need?
- What makes her tick?
- How can I know when she needs alone time?
His statement impacted me deeply, and I realized I had been loving my wife in a purely reactionary way. I was considering how I felt as my priority instead of how she felt. If you are like me and struggle with this issue, then here are 5 things to consider that will help you win the heart of your person. (These are adapted from Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts). I also include a sixth massive bonus tip from me.
- Does your person feel loved from receiving PHYSICAL TOUCH?
One way your person may share and receive love is through physical touch, and that is not limited to sex. That means hugs, massages (without the extracurriculars), or holding hands while sitting at a restaurant or watching a movie.
- Does your person feel loved from receiving WORDS OF AFFIRMATION?
Words are powerful. When you think about how God created everything using His words, then you understand just how powerful they can be. They can build up or tear down. Taking time purposefully to encourage and praise someone is so important. No one should be a bigger cheerleader for your spouse than you.
- Does your person feel loved from receiving GIFTS?
What counts as a “gift” depends on the person you’re buying or making a gift for, but so many people love to be thought of when someone gives them a gift. Whether you have gone on a trip and grabbed them a souvenir, or you wake up before them and leave a thoughtful gift on their pillow or doorstep, remember what they are ultimately receiving is your heart, not only the gift.
- Does your person feel loved by spending QUALITY TIME with you?
Turn your phone off. Ask questions. Look into each other’s eyes. Make out. Whatever it takes. Just make sure the other person is your focus.
- Does your person feel loved when you offer ACTS OF SERVICE?
This one is my favorite. It means doing things for someone for the sake of serving them and freeing up their time, even if they’re fully capable of doing a task themselves. Keep in mind this doesn’t need to be a massive task. It can be as simple as picking up dirty clothes (speaking from experience lol) or running a quick errand.
- BONUS TIP because you made it this far … Does your person feel loved because of your INTENTIONALITY?
The heart of all these various love languages is for you to be intentional with your person. Mean to do what you do. Show them you are willing to offer your time, your talents, and your treasure. Then use those things specifically to pursue their heart. So as long as you focus on being intentional for your person, they will feel loved by you.
I don’t mean to give you homework, but if you clicked this blog, then hopefully it resonated with you, and you feel encouraged about moving forward to win the heart of your person.… I challenge you to write down 1–2 ideas about how you can show them love in each of the love languages, and then start a conversation with them about how both of you like to be loved.