Addiction. It’s a fairly off-putting word, isn’t it? Combine it with other value-charged words such as alcohol, drugs or sex, and it becomes even more forceful. But have you ever heard the phrases “technology addiction,” and “information addiction,” or even the more widely used term, “internet addiction”? These phrases may not sound as offensive, but the words represent conditions that are causing very severe relational hazards within our culture. More importantly, the affects of technology and information overload in our country are becoming more and more evident and they are taking a toll on marriages.
The rise of internet use has exposed marriages to a whole new world. Every year more Americans go online to meet new people and form relationships. Websites such as eHarmony.com and Match.com have made the art of finding a spouse an almost systematic effort. Go online, fill out a compatibility survey, and “wah-la,” you have a substantial list of potential soul mates.
The core issues couples face haven’t truly changed for many years. Now, however, those issues have been multiplied and complicated on a massive scale which makes marriage survival even more difficult.
Meeting your spouse through a matchmaking site though isn’t what matters. What does matter is the affect the internet and technology have on your marriage once you say “I do.” With increased exposure to technology, a new realm of opportunities and threats now surrounds you and your relationship.
My wife, Stephanie, and I can certainly classify ourselves as a “connected” couple. We each have our own laptops and cell phones and we utilize these devices every day to stay in touch with one another. But we’ve found out over the years that technology also distracts us from each other, which creates unneeded pressure in our marriage.
Let me give you an example of a very common scenario in today’s married American home. It is an average weeknight in suburbia. Our made-up family consists of a husband named Jack, his wife Kate, and their two children Sally and Johnny, ages 13 and 7. Dinner has recently been served and the family enjoys it in front of the television. After dinner, dad continues to unwind in front of the TV; mom heads to the family computer to check her email and surf through her favorite websites; Sally grabs her iPhone and begins text-messaging her friends; and Johnny is off to his room where he plays his XBox until bedtime.
Notice how everyone is in the same house but in completely different worlds!
This happens frequently in families and marriages. People are distracted from one another. There is no way they can become totally intimate when technology is interfering and they refuse to turn it off and focus on their spouse and in the case of our example, spend quality time with the kids.
If you stay in touch with the news, you know our country’s divorce rate is extremely high and increasing significantly every year. The quoted divorce rate for a newly married couple is about 50 percent which by anyone’s account is astonishing.
It is very logical to look at how technology might be affecting our nation’s divorce statistics. The core issues couples face haven’t truly changed for many years. Now, however, those issues have been multiplied and complicated on a massive scale which makes marriage survival even more difficult.
To further address this issue, I want to give you what I call “The Good,” “The Bad,” and “The Ugly” sides of technology in marriage.
The Good Connectivity
A myriad of devices in our world have been created to help people stay connected. For instance, e-mail, cell phones, text-messaging, webcams, etc., make it easier for individuals to stay in touch with their loved ones. Stephanie and I correspond continually throughout the day. We send each other romantic text messages, talk on the phone and chat back and forth via e-mail. Our communication is constant and this helps us to better relate to one another once we’re face-to-face.
The Bad Distraction
Satan loves to distract Christians. He knows if he can keep us from focusing on the important things in life, we will become easy targets for destruction. Everything I mentioned previously about technology allowing us to stay connected to our spouse can also be used to distract us from our marriage. These distractions can slowly and surely cause tension and put unneeded pressure on a relationship.
To guard against this, set apart appointed times to turn off the television, computers, cell phones, etc., and focus 100 percent on your spouse and make sure it is on a regular basis. When Stephanie and I go on our weekly date night, I don’t take my cell phone. If I bring it, I’ll be tempted to check my e-mail and/or receive incoming calls. I have learned our night together is much more pleasurable when I leave the distractions at home.
The Ugly Temptation
We also must be aware of the dark side of technology. The internet is frequently used for devious behavior. In fact, the web has turned pornography into an epidemic. Thousands of marriages have been destroyed because of the temptations that are available on the internet.
The other “ugly” sides of technology include using cell phones and e-mail to sustain extramarital relationships, or using online chat rooms to find and build new relationships which can lead to emotional affairs. These things have made a way for easily avoided temptations to become opportunities that can destroy a marriage.
You must guard against letting technology overload your marriage with unneeded problems. If you think you are an “addict” as previously described, turn to your spouse or a trusted friend for help.
By and large, most people are not addicted, but they do feel the affects of technology crowding out the intimacy of their relationships. So, it’s important to take time and “unplug,” then reconnect with your loved ones.