God designed your brain to be neurologically wired to your partner.
In our marriages, we have to see the big picture. God created everything and established order in the heavens and the earth. The last thing He made was a man and a woman. The Lord declared it was not good for Adam to be alone, so He put Adam to sleep and took out one of his ribs, fashioned Eve, and presented her to Adam (see Genesis 2:18–22).
At last!” the man exclaimed.
“This one is bone from my bone,
and flesh from my flesh!
She will be called ‘woman,’
Because she was taken from ‘man.’”
This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.
Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame (vv. 23–25).
Not only were Adam and Eve physically naked, but they were also emotionally, mentally, and socially naked. Everything was exposed with no secrets. They were one flesh. From now on, whenever you hear the word sex, I want you to think about sameness and oneness. God made the woman compatible with the man so they could become one.
Sex is about pleasure and bonding, and I want to focus on the bonding part. Bonding is establishing ownership of the well-being of another person. Through it, two people actually become one person, not only in the moment but also beyond. Now you have just as much ownership over that person’s happiness, well-being, and health as you do your own because you are them, and they are you. Paul says husbands should love their wives as much as they do their own bodies (see Ephesians 5:28).
How do two become one? The answer will transform the intimacy of your marriage. Your largest sex organ is your skin, and your most powerful is your brain. God designed your brain to be neurologically wired to your partner.
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Your right brain processes experiences in the moment, such as feelings, sights, and sounds. Your left brain then stores that information for later use. When your right brain is working, your left brain is storing it. With your spouse you have intimacy, sameness, oneness, feelings, sounds, movements, touch, and sights—all those things are part of your pleasure. Everything is happening in your right brain but kept in the left, which makes you want to do it again.
So when you’re being intimate, look into each other’s eyes and absorb what’s in the other person’s heart.
God made us incredibly different from other animals. Humans are one of few species that have sex face to face. Most of the animal kingdom has no intimacy. God made humans enjoy this process of oneness. God put mirror neurons in our brains, which allow us to view what is going on in their heart. When you’re having intimate moments with your spouse, look them in the eye and connect with their soul. Your eye is a direct extension of your brain and can look into someone else’s soul just by looking into their eyes. So when you’re being intimate, look into each other’s eyes and absorb what’s in the other person’s heart.
Oxytocin is a hormone that bonds people together. Women have more than men, but both genders have it. If we hold someone for more than 10 seconds, oxytocin rises as we bond together. Vasopressin is a hormone that works more in men, but it is increased particularly during orgasm. The problem is when we have sex with someone who is not our spouse, this bonding also occurs. If you watch pornography, then your brain also tries to wire you to those you are watching. Your left brain is going, “I don’t understand. I can’t wire with all these people.” Instead of wiring two to become one, your brain becomes confused and tries to create bonding. That is the reason pornography becomes addictive. Still, God says, “I want you to be one.”
Recently, someone said to me, “All sins are the same.” It is true that Jesus died for all our sins, but they’re not all the same. You can go to jail for a wide range of crimes, but they’re not all alike. In fact, the Bible says every sin is outside the body except sexual sin. It’s not only physical, emotional, and mental; it’s also neurological with lifelong implications. Some couples watch pornography together, thinking it will enhance their intimacy, but it doesn’t work like that. What’s really going on is they are in bed, not with one person but with multiple people. No wonder their brains are confused, and there is no bonding. They try to heighten their pleasure, becoming more extreme to fill that void bonding is supposed to fill. Yet God says, “I want you to become one. We are told to flee sexual immorality (see 1 Corinthians 6:18) because it is a sin against your own body.
When my wife and I were dating, we were not saved at first. So we were sleeping with each other. Then we got saved and said, “We can’t do this anymore.” So we got engaged and married eleven days later, on September 11, 1984. I told her I wanted to be a man of God and I wanted to protect her, so we married.
We had to start over. In Romans 12:1–2, Paul tells us to present our bodies as a sacrifice and renew our minds. God is so amazing that no matter how your brain has been wired to this point, He can fix it. We all need rewiring. Get rid of all the junk. If you watch pornography, then get rid of it and get help. It is destroying your ability to bond. How do we get rewired? Read the Word of God, pray the Word of God, and memorize the Word of God. Forgive your spouse and yourself. Then allow the Holy Spirit to rewire both of your minds.