I recently sat down with a young couple who is going through a very serious struggle in their marriage because of someone outside their marriage. You might assume Iâm talking about a mistress or an emotional affair, but this has nothing to do with wrongdoing on the part of either spouse. Their struggle has to do with an overbearing parent.
The husbandâs mom (and the wifeâs mother-in-law) has bombarded the young couple with pressures, demands, emotional pleas, tantrums, threats, bullying, name-calling and a myriad of other unpleasant tactics to get her way and to manipulate the dynamics within the familyâs relationships. She seems to see their marriage as a threat to the relationship and influence she once had with her son. See seems to view her daughter-in-law as competition for her sonâs attention rather than a beloved new addition to the family.
This young couple seemed exhausted by their dealings with what seems to be a narcissistic and emotionally unstable person. They want to honor and respect her. They want their young daughter to have a relationship with her grandmother. They want peace and no drama, but they also donât want to be a doormat to her unhealthy demands. Sadly, their struggle is a very common one.
Itâs very common for a couple to face an overbearing parent (or parents) in their marriage, but dealing with overbearing and emotionally unhealthy people can happen in all parts of life (work, school, home, etc.). Not if, but WHEN you find yourself in a relationship with someone who is bullying, manipulative, unstable or unhealthy in any way, for the sake of your family and your sanity, PLEASE implement the following boundaries.
5 boundaries to save you from unhealthy relationships and manipulative people (in no particular order)âŚ
1. âTeachâ them how to treat you by how you treat them AND by how you allow them to treat you.
Make sure youâre not responding to negativity with negativity. Donât sink to their level because youâll lose. Itâs been said that when you wrestle with a pig in the mud, you BOTH get dirty, but the pig likes it! Be kind and respectful even when itâs not returned; not as a reflection of their character but as a reflection of yours. If the difficult person continues to bully, you might need to remove them from your life to protect yourself and your family until they change their toxic behavior. This leads directly into #2.
Communicate THIS over and over to the difficult personâŚ
2. Let difficult people know that THEY are choosing not to be part of your life based on how they are acting.
It can be difficult to tell someone (especially someone older than you like a parent) that their behavior is out-of-bounds. Do this with gentleness and respect but also with a resolute firmness that you canât compromise on this for the sake of your own family. If this difficult throws a fit and starts trying to manipulate or sabotage the situation, remind him/her that THEY are choosing not to be part of your life based on their decisions. Youâre outlining the clear boundaries like the concrete median on an interstate; to protect everyone on the road. If they canât abide by those boundaries, people will get hurt, so their behavior is forfeiting their opportunity for a relationship until (or unless) they make changes. You canât make them change their behavior, but they canât make you abide by their unhealthy behaviors. You arenât removing them from your life, they need to know that they, by their own decisions, are causing the break in the relationship.
#3 might be the most important one on the list if you are marriedâŚ
3. (For those who are married) Be completely UNIFIED with your spouse in your approach to dealing with this difficult person.
If thereâs an overbearing parent (or anyone else) who is trying to insert themselves into your marital business or to pull you away from your spouse, you and your spouse MUST be unified. You canât be divided. Behind closed doors, you might have disagreements about how to best handle the situation, but especially in public and in your communication with the difficult person you must always be united.
#4 is SO difficult to do but it could change the relationship AND change your own perspective in the processâŚ
4. Donât treat them like they treat you. Treat them like God treats you.
God gives us forgiveness, love, and grace even when we donât deserve it and then calls us to love others like he has loved us. As a Christian, I believe Jesus was the perfect embodiment of grace, love, truth, strength, and all thatâs good in relationships. He showed radical grace. He modeled what love was supposed to look like, he âturned the other cheekâ when insulted, BUT he also refused to be anyoneâs doormat. If people werenât willing to be in a healthy relationship, he didnât chase after them. He gave them space and didnât compromise his character or the rules that must exist in all healthy relationships as a way to appease people who werenât pleased with him. We can learn alot about dealing with difficult people from his example.
#5 sums everything up in one important pointâŚ
5. Do all you can to live at peace with them, but if they refuse to live at peace with you, then live your life in peace without them.
This âtough loveâ can be so difficult, but sometimes someone will simply refuse to be in a relationship with you unless theyâre pulling all the strings and youâre jumping through their hoops. Do all you can to live at peace and be one who builds bridges instead of tearing them down, but if this person isnât willing to do their part, then you might need to love them from a distance. Donât let them manipulate you, control you, or steal your joy. Pray for them. Put the situation in Godâs hands, and once youâve done all you can, move forward in peace and trust God to do the rest.
For more on healthy boundaries in relationships, I recommend the book Boundaries by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.