Intimacy means closeness on the inside, not just on the outside. If you’re going to have true closeness in your marriage, you must be able to know each other and have unhindered access without fear.
Think of intimacy in terms of the acronym INVEST:
Intimacy
Necessitates
Value
Energy
Sacrifice
Trust
Value is essential to intimacy.
It says, “I value your thoughts. The things that are important to you are also important to me.”
Consider a situation where a husband constantly belittles his wife by calling her “goofy.” Her interests? “Goofy.” Her feelings and emotions? “Goofy.”
Eventually, their three sons mirror this behavior and begin treating her the same. Everyone in the family becomes condescending toward her. The husband later wonders why the wife never wants to have sex.
If you don’t value your spouse—what they say, what they think, what they do—don’t expect there to be any intimacy in your marriage.
Energy is essential to intimacy.
It says, “I will work hard to listen and understand what you’re saying, because I know we are different and come from different perspectives.”
This means being fully present when your spouse is sharing something with you. Even though you might not see things the same way, don’t roll your eyes. Don’t fall asleep. Don’t interrupt. Seek to understand. Work at it.
Sacrifice is essential to intimacy.
It says, “I am going to give up my need to be right or to be judgmental.” Some people seem to have the need to always be right, but as the saying goes: “You can either be right or be happy.”
If you are never at a loss for words, then there will be times you have to sacrifice your need to respond. Sometimes you have to bite your tongue and compromise. Sometimes you must withhold judgment. Even if you’re right.
Finally, trust is essential to intimacy.
It says, “I will be my spouse’s safe place.” You have to create a consistent, caring atmosphere in your marriage, where each of you is free to share any thought.
When something fantastic happens or when something really terrible happens, you always tell the safest person first. If a spouse doesn’t feel safe emotionally, openness and trust will feel nonexistent.
For example, in a marriage where one spouse does not feel emotionally safe, they may withhold personal experiences or thoughts. Trust is only built when both individuals consistently prioritize one another’s needs and create a safe space.
Sexual intimacy is a vital part of marriage, but so is mental and emotional intimacy. When you’re sharing with each other, you don’t want to be judged, scolded, or shamed. You just want your spouse to say, “Yes, I understand.”
Let today be the day you choose to INVEST in your marriage. True intimacy doesn’t happen by accident. It’s built through value, energy, sacrifice, and trust. If you need support along the way, our marriage coaches are here to walk with you. Book a session today and take one step closer to a stronger connection.