Everyone enters a marriage relationship thinking about sex. And that’s not wrong—sex is a major feature of marriage. Most of the things we do in life we can do with anyone, but sex is reserved for marriage. It’s special.
Why is this? First, it’s because we can’t meet our own sexual needs. If we could, we wouldn’t have gotten married. When we get married, we rely on our spouse to meet our sexual needs.
Second, once married, obviously we can’t force a person to meet our sexual needs. A sexual relationship requires consent. We give ourselves to each other.
Because of this, sex is a sacrificial act between a husband and wife. It depends upon a serving spirit, which means the best sex in marriage is one person serving the other. That attitude is the secret of success within marriage.
Nothing else can guarantee sexual fulfillment. For instance, sexual chemistry will come and go. There will be physically good times and physically bad times. Hormones surge and sex may be great. But then we enter a stressful season of life and the sex takes a back seat to everything else.
You can’t count on chemistry, but you can count on commitment. If I am committed to serving my wife every day of my life, then hormones or stress don’t matter. What matters is that my spouse needs it, and I love her, and I have chosen to serve her.
Sometimes fear can keep a husband and wife from serving each other sexually.
A common fear is this: “If I serve them, they’ll work me to death.” That’s what I thought about Karen when I was failing at being a good husband. I thought if I showed her weakness or vulnerability, she would take advantage of it. I feared the consequences of serving her.
I refused to serve because I was insecure.
But think back to when Jesus washed the feet of the disciples at the Last Supper. He was about to die. Meanwhile, the disciples were arguing about which one of them was the greatest. Jesus knelt down, removed their sandals, and told them the servant was the greatest of all.
When Jesus began washing Peter’s feet and Peter objected, Jesus rebuked him for his attitude. That’s significant. Even as a servant, Jesus did not lose his power or position of authority. He was not making Himself into a doormat. He served from a place of security, not vulnerability.
Serving your spouse doesn’t mean setting yourself up for abuse. It doesn’t diminish the equality of your marriage. It doesn’t mean you always have to agree, either. It just means you are choosing to meet each other’s needs and desires.
Within marriage, servanthood is the only spirit that experiences true emotional, spiritual, or sexual intimacy. You simply can’t be intimate with a selfish person.
God created sex and God loves it. He loves to see his people enjoying the special gift He created. He wants us to be adventurous and enjoy sex in many different ways—not sinful ways, but in ways that give each other pleasure.
That means men and women both need to be sensitive to serving each other sexually. Our bodies belong to our spouse. This is not a license to abuse, but it is a license for use. We never withdraw our bodies from each other. We don’t use our bodies as a weapon or a bargaining chip. We don’t use sex to punish.
Sexual fulfillment in marriage means saying to our spouse, “This is your body, and I will serve you with this body for the rest of our marriage.” That is a very, very powerful thing.