What Counts as Infidelity? 10 Types of Cheating, Defined

I certainly don't see it as my job to referee everyone's relationship, but as a pastor and marriage teacher, I feel a sense of responsibility to weigh in on this important issue. In my experience working with couples from all over the world, and researching what the Bible and modern research say about what makes a marriage work, I'm convinced there are at least ten non-sexual forms of infidelity. Culture might call this "micro-cheating," but I'd still just call it cheating.

"Infidelity" simply means broken trust — and anytime you break your spouse's trust, it's a form of infidelity, whether sex was involved or not. Sexual affairs can be the most devastating form of infidelity, but these ten forms of cheating can be just as destructive. If any of these are happening (or being considered) in your marriage, please take action before it's too late.

Not all of these involve another person — some simply involve a failure of the vows you made to your spouse. All are different, but all are potentially devastating to a marriage.

10 Types of Infidelity (Beyond Physical Affairs)

1. Constant Criticism, Neglect, or Any Form of Abuse

Abuse in marriage doesn't always involve physical violence. The most common forms of abuse leave no marks on the body, but they leave deep scars on the soul. If your words to your spouse are constantly critical, you're breaking your marriage vows and breaking your spouse's heart. If you view your spouse as an interruption instead of a priority, you're being unfaithful.

2. Hiding the Fact That You're Married

If you're intentionally hiding your status as a married person, or projecting "availability" through flirting, slipping off a wedding ring, or acting single around your single friends or at bars, you're way out of bounds. Those subtle acts of deceit are forms of infidelity even if they never lead to a physical affair.

3. Giving Your Primary Loyalty to Someone or Something Other Than Your Spouse

If you give your primary loyalty to your parents, your friends, or your career ahead of your spouse, you're essentially cheating. If we could grasp the responsibility to give our first and best loyalty to our marriage, our marriages would instantly and dramatically improve.

4. Porn, Erotica, and Graphic Romance Novels

When you're acting out sexual fantasy apart from your spouse, it's an act of mental infidelity. All true intimacy — and all infidelity — begins in the mind, not the bedroom. Don't just be physically monogamous; strive to be mentally monogamous too.

5. "Checking Out" Other People or Following an Ex on Social Media

Whether it's an old flame or someone passing by on the street, "just looking" isn't as harmless as it sounds. The act of looking and lusting objectifies others, creates unfair comparisons for your spouse, and subtly pulls your thoughts away from your marriage.

6. Keeping Secrets From Your Spouse

In marriage, secrets are as dangerous as lies. Marriage must be built on a foundation of total transparency and trust. Anytime you're hiding a conversation, a purchase, a text message, or an internet search, that secrecy is itself an act of infidelity.

7. Threatening Divorce

Divorce has become far too casual in our society. When we threaten divorce, we break the sacred trust that makes a marriage work — we're saying our vows don't matter and our commitment is conditional on our feelings.

8. Emotional Affairs

Emotional affairs often lead to sexual affairs, but they're an act of infidelity even on their own. They usually begin innocently — a natural connection with someone at work or elsewhere — but lines get crossed quickly.

9. Refusing to Admit Fault or Sincerely Apologize

When you make excuses for your actions, blame your spouse instead of taking responsibility, or fail to sincerely apologize, you're committing an act of infidelity. Some of the most healing words in a marriage are simply: "I was wrong. I'm sorry. Please forgive me."

10. Not Showing Up When Your Spouse Needs You

Your spouse should never have to face a struggle without your presence and support. To withhold your help, or to selectively choose your involvement based on convenience, is to communicate disloyalty — and it's one of the most preventable forms of infidelity.

If any of these are happening in your marriage, please don't lose hope. Reach out to our XO Marriage team for help.

FAQ

What counts as infidelity? Infidelity means broken trust in a marriage, whether or not sex is involved. Beyond physical affairs, it includes things like emotional affairs, secret-keeping, chronic disrespect, and giving your primary loyalty to someone or something other than your spouse.

Is emotional cheating considered infidelity? Yes. Emotional affairs — secretly seeking the affection and attention of someone other than your spouse — are considered a form of infidelity even when nothing physical happens, because they break the trust and exclusivity marriage is built on.

Is looking at porn considered cheating? Many marriage counselors and pastors, including this one, consider pornography a form of mental infidelity, since it involves acting out sexual fantasy apart from your spouse.

What's the difference between infidelity and adultery? Adultery specifically refers to a physical sexual affair outside the marriage. Infidelity is the broader term — it includes adultery, but also covers non-sexual breaches of trust like secrecy, emotional affairs, and disloyalty.