Your Spouse Can’t Heal You


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We must have a healthy perspective of our role, our spouse’s role, and God’s role, so that we do not hitch our load to someone who was never meant to carry it.

Can you imagine a Prius trying to tow a giant fifth wheel? It might be able to do it for a little while, but it would eventually damage the vehicle. It simply was not built to carry that load. The load of marriage requires complete commitment, devotion, and love. However, we must have a healthy perspective of our role, our spouse’s role, and God’s role, so that we do not hitch our load to someone who was never meant to carry it. Here are three areas where we can be most prone to doing this:


1. Rejection

Facing a spirit of rejection can be one of the most painful things we walk through. It prevents us from seeing ourselves the way God does and causes us to walk around with “rejection glasses” that magnify our faults and overemphasize the opinions of others. Many people go into marriage believing that they will finally find relief from this pain because someone is choosing them for a lifetime. Unfortunately, only God can heal our hearts and when we put that burden on our spouse or create an ecosystem around our pain, we are asking them to do something that is beyond their capacity.


2. Anger

We have a very sweet and hairy Labrador retriever mix named Maggie. Recently, she had an accident in our house while the robot vacuum was making its daily rounds. Without going into too much detail, I will say that that there was a very big mess to clean up. Anger can be like that. It’s natural and normal, but when expressed in the wrong context it can create relational messes that require damage control. It is crucial that the party that is struggling with anger own it and bring it to God without blaming their partner.


3. Anxiety

 There is a breakthrough that comes in marriage when you can lovingly and honestly say, “I think this anxiety belongs to you and I cannot partner with it, but I love you very much.” This happened when my two-year-old daughter decided to stop napping for a week. I felt so overwhelmed with the behaviors I was having to address and the shift that it was causing to our routine. My husband gently came to me with these words, and I could see the emotions for what they really were: anxiety. When we figure out who owns the emotion, we can take them to God and create a plan together.


Let’s take a look at ways we can shift the load when we are facing powerful emotions, so that our connection with our God and our spouse remains protected.

My Role:

  • Seek wise counsel & support
  • Identify my emotions and ask for what I need
  • Read the word, pray, and apply it to my life
  • Receive the love of God and partner with His plan

Spouse’s Role:

  • Listen and offer empathy
  • Encourage
  • Pray biblical truths
  • Speak words of life and honesty

God’s Role:

  • Heal in His way and His timing
  • Pour out the grace that is needed to walk out the healing process
  • Complete the work He started in you
  • Guide and direct us to solutions and resources

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

-Matthew 11:28-30

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