Five Ways to Stay Connected with Your Spouse

In seasons of disconnection or frustration, follow these five ways to feel close again.

November 12, 2019
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Ashley Willis

When we lock eyes with our spouse for the first time on our wedding day, we can't imagine a deeper connection with a human being. We can't wait to spend every day getting to know them more, and we never consider that the realities of life might cause us seasons of disconnection or even frustration with each other. We forget that we are all constantly changing and growing. Nevertheless, it happens. Sometimes, it happens without us even realizing it, and then, one day, we feel an awkwardness with our spouse. So, how do we reconnect? Here are five things you can do:

1. Talk about it.

The minute we sense a lack of connection with our spouse, we need to address it. The problem isn't just going to go away. Communication is key. Dave and I have certainly had some seasons of disconnection during our nearly fourteen years of marriage, and any time I feel it, I let him know right away. Sometimes, he feels it, too. Other times, he has no idea that something is missing. I always feel better after we talk about it openly and honestly. Then, we can face any issues head-on and reconnect once again.

2. Try something new together.

If we know we are in a marital slump; we need to change up our routine. We may be tempted to use our kids, work, or responsibilities as excuses as to why we feel less connected to our spouse, but excuses won't bring us any closer to each other. Try something new together! If you don't currently enjoy a date night together, start dating again. Aim for once a month, then increase it to once a week. Take turns planning the date nights. Be silly. Go dancing. Do that "thing" you have always wanted to try together but never seemed to have the time to do. Yes, it will take sacrificing something, but we have to be willing to change things up to climb out of a slump.

3. Be cautious of your other relationships.

When we start to feel less connected to our spouse, it is tempting to try and cultivate a closer connection with a friend or coworker to replace the closeness that we should only share with our spouse. Please be aware of this! I have seen too many spouses end up in emotional or physical affairs or even codependent, unhealthy friendships simply because they are lonely and feeling a disconnection with their spouse. We need to lean into our spouses during this time, more than any other. We can't expect something or someone else to replace the intimacy we need to have with our partner. Turning to other relationships for what should be spousal closeness only leads to terrible decisions and situations that we NEVER thought we could find ourselves in, and the consequences are heartbreaking.

4. Pray together every day.

Some of you may already do this, but if you don't, I encourage you to join with your spouse in prayer every day. Ask for God's help! When we pray together, we are not only connecting with God but also sharing our hearts in a vulnerable way. I firmly believe in the power of prayer, and I believe God will help us in our time of need.

5. Be patient with each other.

We didn't find ourselves on different pages overnight, so we can't expect to reconnect in a flash. These things take time and effort, but I promise you, it is worth it. Anytime we work to improve our marriages; we will reap the benefits like more intimacy, trust, honesty, support, fun, excitement, stability, etc. Take it day by day. Don't give up!

If you are reading this, and you find yourself upset or shaking your head in disbelief that any of these things will work, please know that you are not alone. There is hope. Every marriage goes through highs and lows, and it is hard! A healthy marriage takes constant attention, communication, and work, but it is so worth it. You can and will feel a close connection once again.

Ashley Willis

Ashley Willis is a leading marriage expert, author of The Naked Marriage, and host of the Naked Marriage Podcast

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